finding confidence

Why do I act differently around different people? Why do I only show my true self to my family? Even with most of my closest friends I am on the quiet side. Why was I afraid to get close with people in middle school and high school? Why didn't I have those spiritual conversations I wanted to have (and probably should have had)? Nothing bad happened in my life for me to be like this, I just have always been quite introverted, and that's okay. What's not okay is how I started viewing myself how society views women my sophomore year of high school, self-confidence shaken. Soccer players on my school team whom I looked up to were talking about diet, something I had never though of as a fifteen year old and never needed to. But they were not fat, and so their comments made me wonder about myself. I never was anorexic, but my eating was very disordered: less eating, even more exercise. Looking back, I looked sick physically (I progressively restricted food...it was bad toward the very end of this journey), and I know my mind and heart had been screwed with. I had offered this harsh world a piece of my soul, which led to less self-confidence. I still keep active, but less sports, especially since I am in college. College did help me to eat normally (most of high school I had abnormal fluctuating eating) since the dining hall is all you can eat...self-discipline and dessert are difficult words to pair together. I will no longer deny food or worship it. I need to treat my body well, especially as a woman, with whole foods (not under-eating or overeating) and exercising (not too much, not too little; I personally enjoy running, biking, and swimming!). My body is a temple that does not belong to the world, but to my Creator. And in order to be more confident and strong, I must find my confidence, and ultimately my identity, in Him and Him alone. I choose to change now and start my journey towards pure and true confidence, confidence that is not of this world.

Never forget that the model in the magazine does NOT really look like the model in the magazine.

Be your own individual.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

Job security in a career that brings more than enough money home for unlimited clean water, food abundance from a quick grocery store trip, a strong roof over our head, at least two vehicles per family, education, plenty of clothes and shoes. These are just a few of the things that we take for granted and expect, and because of that, it is easy for us to be ignorant to all of the physical struggle all around the world. I want to live a much simpler life because that is where I will find pure joy and real gratitude. I think the best people to teach me that are the ones who barely have a roof over their head, have no job security, own no car, walk several miles for cloudy water, struggle to find food, own very few clothes and a pair broken shoes. If you can find any sort of contentment there, then you are the richest person on earth. Why? Because you can have so much joy with very little possessions, and that is a beautiful thing.

Joy vs Happiness

I used to think that joy and happiness are the same, but I have become literaturized (yes I just made that word up) and educated since. Happiness is an emotion that generally comes from experiences and circumstances. On the other hand, joy is much deeper and stronger and comes from our Creator. Happiness is an outward expression, whereas joy is inward contentment.Therefore, happiness is short-lived and joy is lasting. Joy is a state of felicity; happiness is brief delight. With all of this mind, it is difficult to argue against joy because don't we all desire everlasting peace and exuberance? I encourage you to seek joy rather settling for temporary happiness, especially since on the other side of joy is Perfect Love and Peace.

Ordinary

I do not want an "ordinary" life. I don't want to stay in one place. I don't want to live life "going through the motions." I don't want to live in an English-speaking country. I want to live a life on a whim for the One who gave me life. I do not want much of timeline, and I do not want anything holding me back from seeking justice for the poor and weary. I do not want a daily routine that is exactly the same everyday because that is when it becomes easy to be lazy and lose sight of the end goal. I want struggle because if I decide to push through, that is when I know what I am fighting for is truly worth it. I want hardships because it humbles me and reminds me of the One Who is greater than I, the One I am made for. I want to live a vulnerable life and life full of risk and taking chances. I want to live an atypical, intentional, full of abandon, and grace-filled life.

Is life how you envisioned it to be? What needs to change for you to get back on track for a full life with the Good Shepherd?