An "outcast" for His greater purpose for me

I don't mean to sound irritable but I am so introverted because even when I am having fun in a big group (doesn't even have to be a large group), too many times in my life when I actually choose to talk, I am talked over and my voice drowns out, as if my voice doesn't count, as if no one knows I am there. This started probably around 4th or 5th grade, thus middle sucked. Okay well socially it sucked thus academically I thrived. Life didn't suck; I've never been suicidal. But since my social life is quite sucky, I have thought so many times, starting in elementary, that I could run away and no one would notice. Of course this is not true, but it goes to show how bad my social life is. This always gives me more desire to want to serve The Lord overseas because I've always wanted to escape America. I'm not going to go into detail about what I dislike about America, but I want you all to know that I don't hate America, after all it is where I've grown up and for now it is my home on earth. Ever since I was 9 years old I have had a great desire in my heart to serve The Lord overseas.

Now that I go to a private school (religious, but no religion forced upon students), I have become a bit more social (not much, but enough to be noted!) and now wish that I had gone to private school in high school and maybe in middle school too. And with this, I am kind of saying that in my life, I have put too much pressure on myself to be an overachiever in school and I haven't stressed enough socialization in my life. This leads me to my final piece in this entry: the rest of my life. I feel as though we (humanity) put too much emphasis in the nature of life: school, college, career, marriage, house, kids. You can probably envision living in suburbia with 2 kids, living in an average-sized house, and having neighbors in the same stage of life as you with similar-aged kids. I don't exactly desire this; it's too predictable. I don't want my life to be predictable by anyone, including myself. I want God to surprise me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes, I actually don't even want a home because I want to be a traveling servant of The Good Lord. But then I realize I want kids so that would only be possible for a short while. Needless to say, life would be boring if I were to follow "the social norm" thus I also think society/humanity puts too much emphasis on careers because they can easily take time away from people (including family) and this can become disastrous. I believe that God created us to worship Him and to bring glory to Him thus we need to invest in and serve others (and do it in His Name) so that we can enjoy life, living it to the fullest because we are only here by God's grace thus we cannot let the ways of the world get in our way. Of course we cannot possibly ignore the ways of the world but we shall not conform to it.

Now, you may be wondering how both of these paragraphs tie in with one another: my social awkwardness and how I desire to live a "different" or "unusual" life. Honestly, I do not know. I just pray that God will use me even in awkward situations, for His glory, that despite me not being social, that when I am social, I pray they are Godly conversations. I hope this first entry is not me sounding whiny and pitiful, but rather me pouring my heart out (and thus feelings). This first entry is just about how I have been feeling lately (and obviously in other times in my life). Maybe it is a wake-up call to others and myself to help the lost and forgotten who are still loved by the Creator but not by His people. Just food for thought, and THANK YOU for stopping by! Comments are greatly appreciated.